Saturday, December 15, 2012

My buddy

As I write this, Duke is laying at my feet...snoring and farting as if he never had been diagnosed with cancer.

But he has it...Stage III Malignant Melanoma.

Back in June, he had a tumor removed from his mouth, and thus began the frantic scramble to find a solution.

Duke and I went to Blue Pearl in NYC and met up with Dr. Lachowitz who laid out a load of options. The thing that sucks is...I couldn't afford any of it. Not while I'm living paycheck to paycheck trying to support my family.

Doc L suggested I meet with a surgeon to discuss a radical surgery....We talked about the DNA vaccine...We discussed radiation therapy...We discussed all possible combinations fo treatements...We discussed doing nothing and managing Duke's pain when it got there.

It killed me that I couldnt afford any of it...not one damn thing. The closest thing I could do was to begin the inital treatments of the DNA vaccine. Even then, I needed financial help. At about $985 a shot, I was taking food out of my son's mouth...I couldnt do that either.

Through the blessings of my sister I was able to start Duke on the DNA regimen....She helped out with the money for it..(seems she's been saving my ass for most of my life). He had 4 shots in 2 months...Fingers crossed and hoping for the best...My Duke and I rode off into the sunset. I didnt have delusions of grandeur...I knew that there was no "cure." But I had hope...and Duke didn't have any signs of the cancer returning...We (me and him) had hope.

6 months later....the tumor's back...and growing...

I don't want to remove half of Duke's face...I don't want him to be puking and sick from chemo...but what can I do?

He looks like he's storing grapes for the winter.

He's in no pain....he eats...he sleeps, poops, and pees like normal. He let's me pet his muzzle where the tumor is...He still gets crazy for his walks....

But he's dying. I know it...I think he might know it too.

I told him one night during the summer...that we'd fight it. Together. That I'd do everything I could to help him.

But I've failed him...

When times were dark....I mean, REALLY dark for me. I sat alone in this (then) empty house, surrounded by my demons. But Duke didn't care about all that...He just wanted to be near me. One night, after I'd drunken myself to anguished tears...I sat on the floor. Duke, came up...sat right next to me...and put his big, stinky, corn chip smelling paw on my arm. He lay down on his belly and just put his head on my lap.

He didn't bug me for food...didnt bug me to go out....he just sat with me. His fur was soaked with my tears by the end of that night...but he just stayed there...not sleeping...just watching me.

We went out for our walk the next morning...and when we came back home, I couldn't bring myself to go back into that empty house....so I sat out on the stoop and watched the sun come up. He sat right next to me and sighed....

Now we're facing a sunset of a different sort, and I find that steeling myself for the decision that all pet owners dread; just isnt working.

But he's still there...right next to me.

Monday, December 10, 2012

blinker-2416


blinker-2416, originally uploaded by eeeksnyc.

He ALWAYS does this once he sees the camera come out