Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Inspiration and Depression
So today was the start of the PDN PhotoExpo at the Jacob Javits Convention Center here in lovely NYC. Being an upcoming photographer, I look forward to this. I got my freebie expo badge, and was looking forward to seeing Chase Jarvis' keynote...but alas, the dayjob beckons.
As far as dayjobs go...mine is pretty cool. I'm a studio engineer. I play with sound. I make thing louder. I hang with musicians. Fairly low stress, and I almost never have to take work home with me. Sometimes the hours can be a drag, but quite frankly, the gig is still fun most days, and I'm damn good at what I do.
But still, I've been looking for a while now for a different creative outlet. Something...anything. For a while, it was cars...making them go faster....driving the piss out of them....going to shows...and yes, some illegal racing. I guess it wasn't really a "creative" outlet so much as an adrenalin thing.
But being a dad now, I've had to tone down that hobby...Sold the show car...sold the autocross car. Now, we drive a station wagon (minivans be damned).
I was watching the keynote today via the web from the studio...Mr Jarvis had assembled basically all the shooters I follow. Vincent Laforet, Jasmine Star, Joey Lawrence, Zack Arias, and photo editor Rob Haggert. They all spoke of creativity and how they individually came up and where they were now. Also, where they wanted to go with this new social network that we have. Ahh...the power of the interweb!
Got me thinking...where do I want to go now? What would I want to shoot...How do I want to shoot....
But most of all, where's the juice now?
I'm a pretty okay shooter technically. I've got a handful of frames I'm proud of. I've shot a handful of events in NYC. I can take a pretty good portrait of my kid and the woman....but am I a photographer? Have I gotten paid for my images? No. But there has been a decent amount of interest.
Personally, things could be better. Things could also be worse. I got back into the photography hobby when the Woman gifted me with a Canon Rebel XT a few years back. Yes, it was silver, but it was awesome. I quickly got gear lust, and at the time started to sell car parts for lenses and accessories. I shot everything I could just to learn the camera and what it could do. Thinking back, I never took the thing out of the M mode, but I was having fun...and learning lots.
Then, things in my personal life took a dump. The Woman left me and took the Boy. They moved clear over to the other side of the country...(ironically, in Mssr. Chase's backyard of Seattle...and even more ironically, where my ex-ex wound up with her newfound hubby). I was crushed...utterly fucked up and depressed. But I was still shooting, learning...drowning my sorrows in shutter clicks. But then, I hit a wall...I just couldn't shoot with that camera anymore. SHE had given it to me....it reminded me of them...I couldn't touch it.
So I put it down...didn't touch the thing. All my shiny toys started to collect dust. I drank...a lot. Cried even more....started to shut down.
I saw an ad on Craigslist for a 5D and I snapped it up to try and enjoy it. And for a while, I did. I shot events...a shit-ton of street stuff...and it started to chip away at the depression.
Fast forwarding to now, I'm still shooting that 5D...I've sold some glass, gotten others. I've shot a ton of street stuff...some artist visits at the day job...and most importantly, The Woman and the Boy are back in my life...on the same coast...in the same house.
I was happy then...but now I'm not. The Woman and me, while we're not fighting and outright hating each other, are not well. We don't talk, we don't share the same bed, we barely have any physical contact. I'm angry at shit I didn't give a fuck about. I don't give a fuck about things I should. I still try and shoot, but it really is all crap.
I'm depressed she tells me. But usually, I'm able to turn that depression into some sort of creativity, be it musical, mechanical, or ocular...
But now, I'm just dry.
Bone dry.
I can still eke out a decent frame, but I find myself wanting to do other things. I need to branch out. Shoot other shit. Take a chance.
Chase and Zack brought that out in the keynote. Jasmine Star started out with almost no gear but crazy talent. Joey L had the confidence and vision to just do it.
Why can't I?
Why do I stop myself?
What's it gonna take to get me rolling again? Not just in photography, but with my life too....
When can I turn the Depression into Inspiration again? Or was that all a fluke in the past.
And, man, I miss my cars.
As far as dayjobs go...mine is pretty cool. I'm a studio engineer. I play with sound. I make thing louder. I hang with musicians. Fairly low stress, and I almost never have to take work home with me. Sometimes the hours can be a drag, but quite frankly, the gig is still fun most days, and I'm damn good at what I do.
But still, I've been looking for a while now for a different creative outlet. Something...anything. For a while, it was cars...making them go faster....driving the piss out of them....going to shows...and yes, some illegal racing. I guess it wasn't really a "creative" outlet so much as an adrenalin thing.
But being a dad now, I've had to tone down that hobby...Sold the show car...sold the autocross car. Now, we drive a station wagon (minivans be damned).
I was watching the keynote today via the web from the studio...Mr Jarvis had assembled basically all the shooters I follow. Vincent Laforet, Jasmine Star, Joey Lawrence, Zack Arias, and photo editor Rob Haggert. They all spoke of creativity and how they individually came up and where they were now. Also, where they wanted to go with this new social network that we have. Ahh...the power of the interweb!
Got me thinking...where do I want to go now? What would I want to shoot...How do I want to shoot....
But most of all, where's the juice now?
I'm a pretty okay shooter technically. I've got a handful of frames I'm proud of. I've shot a handful of events in NYC. I can take a pretty good portrait of my kid and the woman....but am I a photographer? Have I gotten paid for my images? No. But there has been a decent amount of interest.
Personally, things could be better. Things could also be worse. I got back into the photography hobby when the Woman gifted me with a Canon Rebel XT a few years back. Yes, it was silver, but it was awesome. I quickly got gear lust, and at the time started to sell car parts for lenses and accessories. I shot everything I could just to learn the camera and what it could do. Thinking back, I never took the thing out of the M mode, but I was having fun...and learning lots.
Then, things in my personal life took a dump. The Woman left me and took the Boy. They moved clear over to the other side of the country...(ironically, in Mssr. Chase's backyard of Seattle...and even more ironically, where my ex-ex wound up with her newfound hubby). I was crushed...utterly fucked up and depressed. But I was still shooting, learning...drowning my sorrows in shutter clicks. But then, I hit a wall...I just couldn't shoot with that camera anymore. SHE had given it to me....it reminded me of them...I couldn't touch it.
So I put it down...didn't touch the thing. All my shiny toys started to collect dust. I drank...a lot. Cried even more....started to shut down.
I saw an ad on Craigslist for a 5D and I snapped it up to try and enjoy it. And for a while, I did. I shot events...a shit-ton of street stuff...and it started to chip away at the depression.
Fast forwarding to now, I'm still shooting that 5D...I've sold some glass, gotten others. I've shot a ton of street stuff...some artist visits at the day job...and most importantly, The Woman and the Boy are back in my life...on the same coast...in the same house.
I was happy then...but now I'm not. The Woman and me, while we're not fighting and outright hating each other, are not well. We don't talk, we don't share the same bed, we barely have any physical contact. I'm angry at shit I didn't give a fuck about. I don't give a fuck about things I should. I still try and shoot, but it really is all crap.
I'm depressed she tells me. But usually, I'm able to turn that depression into some sort of creativity, be it musical, mechanical, or ocular...
But now, I'm just dry.
Bone dry.
I can still eke out a decent frame, but I find myself wanting to do other things. I need to branch out. Shoot other shit. Take a chance.
Chase and Zack brought that out in the keynote. Jasmine Star started out with almost no gear but crazy talent. Joey L had the confidence and vision to just do it.
Why can't I?
Why do I stop myself?
What's it gonna take to get me rolling again? Not just in photography, but with my life too....
When can I turn the Depression into Inspiration again? Or was that all a fluke in the past.
And, man, I miss my cars.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
yep...
Not even a Hello...
When I came home.
First thing was that she complained that I left the leftovers from The Boy's breakfast out.
Next thing was telling me to wake up *a little earlier* so I can show her how to fold down the back seat....
Nevermind the email from earlier today to coil up the hose and stuff....
Who says romance is dead.
When I came home.
First thing was that she complained that I left the leftovers from The Boy's breakfast out.
Next thing was telling me to wake up *a little earlier* so I can show her how to fold down the back seat....
Nevermind the email from earlier today to coil up the hose and stuff....
Who says romance is dead.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
midtown sunset-4659
My unfortunate view of the "Golden Hour" on most days...from someone else's office...My cube is landlocked...no windows.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Happy Birthday T!
Today is The Woman's birthday. She has had a rough run up to it this year, but, as she always does...T is sailing through adversity with her usual style and grace.
We've had our problems, and continue to do so, but I still love her with all of my heart. She is an incredible mom to V, and even through all we've been through, she's still the one I want to see first thing when I wake up in the morning...
Happy Birthday!
We've had our problems, and continue to do so, but I still love her with all of my heart. She is an incredible mom to V, and even through all we've been through, she's still the one I want to see first thing when I wake up in the morning...
Happy Birthday!
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