I've had a shit last half of 2012 and a horrid start to 2013.
In April, I sabotaged my own career with an errant series of Twitter comments.
In June, my best bud, my Lab Duke, was diagnosed with Stage III malignant melanoma. Cancer.
Since then, its been a scramble....to lay low, get my work done, build up my own credibility...
A scramble to beg, borrow, steal to finance Duke's vet bills and oncology visits...
A scramble to pull myself together just to get through the fucking day.
Finances were already stretched thin....and I had to pay back my company for disciplinary actions taken.
The Summer came and went with the threat of my buddy suffering (thankfully, not) and the threat of losing my job.
Fall came with Sandy laying waste to the East Coast. Thankfully our damage was minimal but we had our own share of troubles....It also revealed more financial shenanigans with my company.
Fall also brought the return of Duke's tumor along with the falling leaves....Its growing even faster and larger than before.
Winter brought even more financial woes...but more than that, Winter brought Death.
I lost a close cousin before the holidays. His wife, ran to our house in a panic. I saw him stroke out..I tried to get him up...I called the ambulance...I, along with his wife, made the decision for the surgery that would have saved his life, but had no guarantees of him waking up. And he didn't wake up...he was in a coma while his brain tried to heal itself....For weeks he remained in with one foot with us on Earth...and the other pointed heaven-ward. Eerily enough, we learned of his irreparable brain damage on the anniversary of the day my own Mother died. I sat vigil with his wife and his family throughout the holiday season...still trying to salvage some of the holiday for my Boy and the Woman....
Friends of mine lost Fathers. Others lost best friends...mentors....loves....
2013 began on a low note with my cousin finally giving in and ascending to Our Father's side. On the day he was buried....I lost my aunt....the last surviving sister of my mom's family.
A week later a dear friend lost her own father...
On the professional front...I'm STILL paying for my sins of April....Everytime I think I can or have gotten, past it...something else comes up to remind me that I fucked up...and that in the eyes of many...I continue to fuck up.
Duke's tumor grows....it bleeds and smells and we're always cleaning up blood, and tumor juice. I'm scared all the time for my buddy. I've taken to sleeping on the couch by him at night, just so I can be close to him in the time we have...
It snowed recently, and when Duke went out in the backyard...he actually frolicked and played with the dusting of snow...rolling around in it...grabbing snoutfuls of it and throwing it around. For a brief moment, I forgot he was sick....I forgot about the cancer and the threat of his death...It was just Duke and me, playing in the snow.
That is, until the tumor started to bleed....and the snow was stained with my buddy's blood.
He went to the vet today to discuss palliative surgery options. But even our vet didn't have any real hope. Not that I could afford the damn thing anyway.
Duke hasn't been acting sick for the most part...But I don't want to let him get to that point.
I combed him after our walk today...and just started to cry...I couldn't save him....I couldn't win against his cancer....I couldnt save my cousin...I couldnt dial 911 sooner...
I couldn't save my relationship with my Dad....my "wife" or the Boy....or my own fucking career.
I'm angry at lots of things....I'm tired of even more...and I'm scared.
Scared of losing everything I've been trying to hold together. Scared that my own Father will die with him thinking of me as a fuck up...
Scared that I can not get past a fucking tweet from April that has affected me financially, personally, and professionally.
I tried to begin the year with a positive outlook...I did.
