A question...

Why are most photography blogs somewhat happy? I've read through more than a few and most, if not all, are written by happy people. They're blissfully married, or going on adventures around the world, or shooting the world's beautiful people. Even the ones that I follow that are of a documentary nature, ie: conflict photography, and most recently, blogs covering the Haiti crisis: they all seem to BELIEVE in the fact that their photography will change the world, or bring some hard to look at issues to the forefront.

I'm not happy. And that's showing in my images. I've started a Project 365 at the beginning of the year. I was hoping to make an image a day. A lot of my images are street/urban stuff. But it all sucks.

Why am I unhappy? I'm broke (even though I work a 10-12 hour a day "real job." My GF hates me, even though I've put a roof over her and her son's head. I'm not home enough to forge any kind of meaningful relationship with the boy, because I'm scrabbling for every last hour of overtime I can get.

My job, while cool at first, is just fucking grinding me down. Why am I complaining about the job? I do what my first love was: I record music. I get paid to listen to music...that's a great fucking gig. But I just don't care.

And that is showing up in my images.

Today, I sold a lens I really like. I sold it to a young photographer, just getting started in this crazy world. I love that lens, but I sold it to cover the Boy's Catholic school enrollment. I sold it for a good price, but I gave 97% of it to The Woman.

I bought a bag of chips, lightbulbs, and iced tea. Wow.

The Woman used to greet me with open arms and a warm smile. Now, she doesn't even look up from her computer. We used to hold hands, hug, kiss...make love. But we barely speak. I could come home from work with a gaping head wound, but she'd never know unless I told her....

What does this have to do with photography? I don't know...All I DO know, is that I'm not in the right head space for it. I think I gotta put the camera down and muddle through the quagmire that has become my life. I don't know...I just don't fucking know anymore...